My Inner Cat

I pride myself of not being a procrastinator but when it comes to posting on my blog or writing down the diaries of the thoughts I have I always manage to put it off. "It needs to make sense, it needs to be "properly" lengthened" are the excuses that comfort me. Then I remembered how someone on the net is always saying " you overthink because you don't write" (rolls my eyes) so here goes.

Firstly I appreciate the universe and the vast knowledge and wisdom it encompasses. I think I fully understand the saying "curiosity killed the cat." I think it's beyond being inquisitive about other people's affairs. I don't think it's a by the way phrase used to discourage people from acquiring knowledge. Nor is it a caution sign for curious people of the rabbit hole ahead. I just think the cat that gets killed is your inner cat a version of yourself that was attached to whatever. Your inner cat could be greed, family etc.  Instead of holding on to beliefs maybe we should expand. I think through the journey of knowing or trying to know atleast. If we're open to fact that we don't know we might actually learn something. Perhaps expansion driven by curiosity kills the version of you that believes in a certain idea or the attachment to a certain thing. 

Take me for example I've been struggling with prayer, not the process of but what it means to me and if its a practice I still want to keep. Christianity didn't work out for me and I felt I needed to be stripped off all the hand me down ideologies and inherited belief systems. I felt I needed to be stripped off everything that resembles Christianity and figure out which concepts I'm choosing to believe in and what they mean to me. Now my stance on prayer has been particularly hard to figure out. I stopped praying cause well I associated it with Christianity and since I no longer was Christian it made sense to stop.                                                 I think my curiosity killed my believe/trust in certain concepts. I don't believe in anything easily anymore. What was comforting in Christianity was that belief/trust was programmed in you when your brain was still developing. Making it much easier and quicker to snap back into a cycle of repeatedly reciting a verse that refers to your current situation with a large community around you supporting you. Each day I realize more and more how isolating this journey is and thing about it is there's no turning back. It requires so much of me, my inner strength and trust in myself.

I get how prayer could be a form of manifesting you're literally saying the things you want out loud that is how it works with a hint of conviction obviously. After denouncing Christianity I started praying to the universe and to my ancestors. Same as saying out loud in nature what you want to be manifested really. I'm just having a hard time with kneeling, eyes shut and asking the universe for my hearts desires.     Maybe because I've associated it with the thing I no longer belive in I've subconsciously denounced and detached from it. It's scary realizing/believing that the kneeling down kind of prayer doesn't work for me anymore. It simply means I'm being excluded from more communities. Everything under the sun isnt meant to work for everyone. I get that.

The new cat that I'm breeding is trust. Trusting myself, trusting thyself. There's no curiosity under the sun mysterious enough to kill it. One last thing the full saying is Curiousity Killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back. With that being said. I hope to remember this day when I'm old and beaming with satisfaction reminiscing of the time I started trusting myself and walked my own path.