Praying

 I've treated praying like a woman scorned. [Listen to me trying to sound poetic]

On my journey as a Christian warrior I was taught that prayer is mandatory and it had to be done before you eat and sleep. I prayed to Jesus, God and my ancestors during those times.
During my Christian journey I must confess that I wasn't completely convinced of anything. I always felt like there had to be more to it. Christianity can't possibly be the end all.
Time went by and I was exposed to different schools of thoughts on Spiritual that I undeniably resonated with.
But still with that strong felt resonance I was lead to more and more confusion. Believe it or not I still am cause one things about spirituality we're wrestling with people's believes and perspective on things. I get Sadghuru now when he talked about remaining uneducated because then ad humans we can individually figure out our own paths to our tailored spirituality instead of being sheep.

The amount of information I had to unlearn and relearn just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm moving more and more towards myself. All that unlearning lead me to just praying to my ancestors for a while then it was to my ancestors and Mmupi who I later found was a name my "tribe" use/used when referring to the creator. That continued for a cute while and then there was silence which continue till today.

Going back to the school of thoughts I was exposed to. I bumped into a lot of Credo Mutwa's videos. There was a video where he said that the ancient African way of praying was through our minds. Praying through images essentially. He continued to explain that you'd imagine something that you want and believe it with your entire being that you've achieved. All that unconsciously influenced my perspective and attitude towards prayer. Days spend on my knees decreased more and more on my spiritual quest. Till I shed new skin that world rather be on its feet grounded rather than on its knees bounded.

This quest of trying to figure how we lived pre colonial times has been emotionally and mentally taxing.

I guess when I decided not to identify as a Christian and left that part of my life behind. I forgot to remove all the ideologies that I was taught and those that were self inflicted.
I've struggled with removing the ingrained fear in me that there'll be some sort of punishment waiting for me because I've stopped praying. I do love the freedom that comes with figuring things out and deciding on your own terms who you want to become.

I can always reset and start over. Start over in believing in something new and something old. Because one thing about me I've just come to realize while writting this post is that I'll put an ideologies into practice. If it serves us then that's what we belive in if it doesn't then it wasn't meant for us.
I guess I am also trying to see how it'll all end up. Will I end up achieving what I set my mind to without praying to anything really. Raw dogging life solo is something else. Trying to figure out what you want to believe in and what you want to practice is not for the fainted hearted. I guess with this post I wasn't rrying to figure out why I stopped praying but what the way forward is. There are different forms of praying and for now I'll stick to my imagination, speaking things into existence and do all I need to do to ensure I achieve all I want.